A funny anniversary card message works when it's short, true and about the two of you specifically: the thermostat war, the dishwasher, the trip that went wrong. Below are lines sorted by how long you've been together, each paired with a Tangy Limes anniversary video card, where both your real faces go on a dancing couple and sing an original song. You can try any of them free: type the line into a card's headline and watch the two of you sing under it.
Year one
The first year is mostly negotiating where the towels go. You're still allowed to be soppy, as long as there's a small dig in it. ONE YEAR, ZERO RETURNS does the job. So does YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME NOW, which is romantic or threatening depending on delivery.
Put it on Wedding Day Again, a vertical card that goes back to a reception hall with string lights, a dance floor under a disco ball and church steps with petals falling. You get to relive the wedding without paying for it twice.
The early years
At some point one of you admits to hating the other's music. That's good news for your card, because habits are material. YOU STEAL THE BLANKETS AND I LET YOU is a love letter. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY FAVORITE ROOMMATE is for the couple whose big night out is a new show and a shared bag of chips. YOU'RE THE REASON WE OWN FOUR AIR FRYERS is for the couple who knows exactly why.
This is also the stretch where cheese works best, so commit: Power Ballad of Love has an 80s prom under a balloon arch, a glamour studio with a wind machine, and a Vegas chapel with an Elvis impersonator.
About a decade
Ten years in, there might be a dog, a mortgage, or an appliance you once argued about in the store. Lean into it. A DECADE OF YOU HOGGING THE REMOTE is fair. THE DOG SAYS HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TOO lets someone else take the credit.
That one belongs on Furever Anniversary, which fits two people and two pets. Dogs and cats from your photos go on dancing animals, at a candlelit restaurant and in a ballroom covered in rose petals, and the dog finally gets recognized for holding the household together.
The long haul
This one is for parents, grandparents and anyone married longer than you've been alive. They've settled the dishwasher. Don't reopen it. Go short and a little grand instead: STILL CRAZY FOR YOU, or SAME COUCH, SAME PERSON, or simply YOU TWO INVENTED THIS.
Still Crazy for You takes a couple through the decades, from a 1950s sock hop to a 1970s living room with shag carpet to a 1980s aerobics studio. Still Dancing goes from a ballroom with a live jazz band to a rooftop terrace with candles. Put your parents' faces in either one and watch them pretend not to be delighted.
Putting it together
Pick a photo of the two of you facing the camera with your mouths visible, since the mouths open and close to the song. Type your line into the headline. If you want the song itself to mention the honeymoon where it rained for a week, the card can get its own custom song: say what it's about, read the words, and change any of them before you pay.
The preview with both faces is free. If it's right, it's $1.99 to keep, with no subscription, so nothing renews itself before next year. Send it at breakfast, or put it on the TV at dinner and see who cracks first.